Nights like these get me thinking about life. There are times when I don’t like to think but then it is the only time I get to get a better sense of what I am doing. I like to look at my life as a journey. Not a sacrificial life. God creates a plan that molds us into the human beings we are today. He brings obstacles in our life that pushes us to get to know Him better, or to snap the nonsense out of us when the world doesn’t treat us right.
I currently have two options that may either cause me pain or happiness in the long run. I realized any option that is being given to me will be risky. Being that it may be hard and may be the best. I am ready for this decision. Whatever it may be. I think.
Another one of those nights…
Just thinking.
Assumption? … Why can’t you just accept that I love you and I do the things I do because it’s not an obligation but because it’s my love toward you? Just stop assuming! Communicate now? My head has a million things going through it all at once… I can’t. Not right now.
Thinking…
4 years later. Who would’ve known another one part of my family leaving from their earthly body to be with God.
Thinking…
Friends. They’ve been M.I.A. Is it my fault? Or theirs? No. Each of us growing older and older each day, having seperated lives… Hopefully, one day- we will come altogether again.
Family: Dad and his diabeties. Brother. Mom. … I wish dad could just listen.
Thinking…
My muscles are sore. Is this job worth it?
Thinking…
*sigh* I can’t sleep.
I must keep looking foward.
Goodnight.
..the thoughts of “what if..” passes each second of the minute of each hour.
He can’t sleep.
Jerry wonders, “Why me, God?”
Not a day goes by without the thought of her. She, Katelyn, was once everything to him.
… and by his pain, still is.
It’s been 3 years.
He ponders, “I live my life for the Lord, I have wonderful friends and family that support me. I’m blessed with a wonderful career. Yet, I keep having to date and am NEVER happy with anyone that I meet.”
The problem with Jerry is that he has trouble settling down with someone.There was Olivia, Victoria, Dana, Sasha, Lorna, Laura, and the list continued.
Till one day… He was introduced to a girl named Melanie.
Finally, he has met the girl of his dreams. Beautiful, smart, witty, fun, adventurous, sociable, outgoing, romantic like he was, and everything that could be checked off on his “Dream girl” list. However, even if Melanie may be everything, she was nothing compared to Katelyn. But he knew he needed to move on.
A year later, he knew he wanted to make a decision to ask her to marry him. However, a week before he wanted to ask her. Katelyn had sent him an e-mail.
“Hey Jerry. I hope you are doing well. Just wanted to say hello and wish you the best in life. -Katelyn.”
His mind stumbled on this e-mail. In shock, “Are you serious? She’s kidding me. What does this mean? It’s been years, and I get a random hello? No way. This is absolutely ridiculous.”
He called his best friend of 20 years, Kevin. “Hey man. Katelyn e-mailed me last night and I had read it this morning. This is what it said.”
After reading the e-mail,”Jerry, that’s great man. Now you can finally get in touch with her. I think you should reply back.”
Jerry: “No. I can’t do this to Melanie. I can’t hide this from her. I would love to find out why Katelyn has e-mailed me though. I need to tell her.”
Kevin: “Why? It’s just a friendly e-mail. You’ve always wondered about her all these years and always talking about how perfect you guys were. Tell Katelyn you have a girlfriend. Look buddy. I knew Katelyn and you for a long time now, just e-mail back. What can it hurt?”
Jerry: “You’re right. I will e-mail her.”
As he replied to her e-mail the following day, “Hey Katelyn. Great to hear from you. I’m doing really great. We should catch up one day. Wishing you the best as well. -Jerry.”
2 weeks later.
Jerry calls Kevin. “Nothing yet, kev. What the deal here?”
Kevin,”Playing tricks? I have no clue. You know how women are. Playing games with a man’s mind. Anyways, here’s the deal, just forget Katelyn. It’s been almost a month and no reply.”
Jerry, ” I even e-mailed her a twice.”
Kevin, “You what? No man, look. How are things going on with melanie?”
Jerry: “Not so well. She’s been telling me I’ve been acting sort of distant toward her and that maybe I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship if I don’t start acting like I am in one.”
Kevin, “ooo cold man. Sorry. Why distant?”
Jerry: “Katelyn. She’s been on mind.”
Kevin, “Just forget her. What’s the deal? Melanie is present. You’ll never find anyone else the way you talk about Melanie. Katelyn is past. She may have been everything. But Melanie is NOW. Deal with it. You got to think what is right for you and for yourself. Not what you could fix in the past. You can’t do anything. What is done- is done. If Katelyn is worth it, then go for it.”
Jerry: “You’re right. I better go apologize to Melanie. Thanks man.”
An annoying alarm went off at approximately 9am. She slams on her phone to shut it off. Moaning and groaning, she murmurs, “..ughh so early.” Looks at her phone and slowy gets up and stretches. Her phone rings suddenly. “Hello?”
“Hello sunshine, rise and shine! Ready for our big day? I’ll be there in an hour.” [yawns]
Liz responds, “Yes, hello… yes, I am up. Okay see you soon.”
[an hour later]
Doorbell rings.
As Liz opens the door, Josh stands there with a big smile and pops out roses. “I got these for you.” Kisses her on the cheek. “Aww thank you babe. These look like you got them from a garden.” “Yes, don’t you like it? I chose these colors. Anyways, Happy Anniverssary Sweetie. Let’s get going.” “Yes I love em. Happy Anniverssary.”
Holding hand in hand, Liz catches from the corner of her eye that Josh is staring at her. “Yes?” as she turns her head. “I love you so much Liz. I’m excited to take you out today.”
As they get into the car, Josh ask, “Did you bring your tennis shoes? O, here you go darling, your favorite jamba juice drink.”
Liz asks, “aww thank you! yummy. and yes I did, but where exactly are we going?”
“I can’t tell you that.”
“Why not? …. [Looks at his navigation system] O!”
“Nah ugh! I don’t think so. It’s a suprise sweetie. You can’t know where we are going.”
Liz looks around the car for any ideas and then looks to find a blanket and his jacket covering over something suspicious. “OO, whats this…?!”
About to reach over, Josh grabs her hand and holds it gently and says, “Sweetie, its a surprise. You’ll see when we get there.
Finding herself irrittated and annoyed by Josh’s big surprise for her, she tells Josh she decides to nap on the way there.
Josh laughs and grabs her hand and kisses it.
[40 minutes later.]
They both get out of the car.
Liz: “What? Hiking?! I knew it. But I’m not physically prepared for this. I haven’t worked out for months! Bah!”
Josh laughs, “Liz, we don’t have to walk to far away, it’ll be a nice little hike toward the waterfall.”
Liz: “Waterfall?!” Liz smiles.
Josh: “Yes, darling.” As Josh removes the blanket and his sweater from the back of his seat, he pulls out a picnic basket that carried cheese and crackers, hummus and pita, and red wine. “We’re going to have a picnic.”
Liz is startled by the idea that Josh planned this whole morning. She thought to herself, “Hike? Waterfall? Picnic? Goodness….”
Josh: “You ready darling?”
Liz: “um, yea sure.”
Josh: “We’re going to just head up toward the waterfall and have our picnic there.”
Liz: “Gee, I never thought a guy would think of something like this.”
As Liz and Josh starts heading up the trail, Josh says, “Liz, let me know if you get tired.” Liz reponses, “Actually, YOU let me know if you get tired.” Liz laughs sarcastically knowing how much she use to do outdoor adventures all the time without getting a single sweat.
[15 minutes later.]
Liz gasping for air. “Okay… stop. Gee how long is this?”
Josh: “Sweetie, it’s only been 15 minutes.”
Liz: “What?? My goodness I’m out of shape. Okay lets keep going. I want to see the waterfall.”
As Josh and Liz continues on their trail hike, they stop to look. Josh says, “Wow hunnie, look at God’s creation. Isn’t it beautiful? Look at the plains and the different kinds of colors.” Liz reponses in awe, “Yes, hunnie, It’s beautiful. I love it up here. Nothing is more beautiful than God’s creation.” Josh kisses her hand. Liz giggles. “You’re too much Josh.” The mountains and trails were full of beautiful wild flowers, insects, and creatures. Every step they took, different shapes and sizes of rocks were on the ground. Even different types of bugs were flying and crawling around the areas. Walking behind Liz, Liz screams. Josh answers, “What babe?” Liz reponse, “I saw a bee, and it was buzzing in my ear.” Josh replies, “O, I thought you fell.”
As they reach halfway to toward the waterfall, Liz asks, “How far is it?”
Josh: “Where is the map?”
Liz: “In my pocket…” Reaching behind her pocket. “Oops, I think i dropped it.”
Josh laughs. “Well I hope we are going the right way.” “Do you hear that?”
Liz: “Hear what?”
Josh: “We’re almost there.”
Liz: “Can’t we hike the waterfall hike next time? and have a picnic here under these trees?”
Josh: “Yea sure sweetie, I didn’t think it would be this far. The tour guide said it only took 30 minutes. I’m sorry.”
Liz: “No, its my fault for not being so fit…” Liz giggles. “Well, I’m lagging this hike anyway and I’m hungry. So we can accomplish this hike next time.” Liz laughs.
Josh: “This seems like a good spot. Here’s a blanket to sit on.” Once Josh layed the blanket under the shade, just alongside the trail and way on top of the mountain, Liz begins to lay and stares up at the sky. “Ahhh, so relaxing. This is beautiful. I love this.”
Josh: “I’m glad you do.” Josh smiles.
Liz: “FOOD! Grabs the hummus, pita bread, cheese and crackers. “Yummy!”
Josh: “Wine?”
Liz replies, “Yes please.”
Josh reaches over toward his bookbag and takes out a notebook. As Liz starts to munch on the snacks, Josh sits in front of Liz and kisses her on the cheek. “Liz, I wrote you something that I would like to share with you.”
Liz thinks with a surprised face, ‘O crap, Are you serios? He even wrote me something?’
As Josh looks through his notebook, Liz looks over to see its more than one page. She thinks ‘O dang.’
Liz: “What? Are you serious?” Liz puts down the book. “The picnic is fine hun. Thank you.” Liz laughs. “Hun, I did not get you anything.”
Josh: “You don’t have to get me anything, I already have you.”
Liz: “Okay, no more mushy stop. Read fast.” Liz giggles.
[side note: Sorry, I don’t have the notebook to write down what exactly he said.]
Josh: “Liz, Since the first day we met….”
Liz starts to think, ‘Oh my gosh, my heart wants to melt. I can’t take this.’ Liz starts to obtain butterflies in her stomach.’
Josh reads the second page. “I love everything about you… your eyes, your nose, especially your personality…..”w
Liz again thinks, ‘Damn. I feel the waterworks coming. Don’t cry. DON’T cry Liz.’
She begins to feel her heart drop because of the words of expression Josh had told her. She didn’t want to cry in front of him so she thought of food. At this point, she knew Josh was honestly the most amazing person that God had ever given her. She only starts to smile during his speech and then looks down when she knows she’s about to cry.
’ Be strong…. mMMm, hummus and pita. Man, Cheese and crackers are yummy.’
Josh starts to reads the third page. “So, I sit here today, telling you that I have decided to fully give my heart and commit to only to you.”
This whole love speech took about a good 5 minutes.
Liz: “Aww wow, hun. Thank you.” Not knowing what else to say, Liz was speechless because of the feeling of knowing no one else has expressed love toward her as Josh did that day. She just smiled and kissed him.
Josh: “Well, and also…” Josh starts to reach into his pocket where Liz starts to identify it as a small shaped box. ‘O dangit. This is too much.’ Liz’s heart starts beating even faster. ‘There’s no way. There’s no way. It’s too soon!’ Liz didn’t know what else to think. So many things were rushing through her head at the same time as Josh slowly pulls out the box by the struggling of his pants being too tight.
In as fast as a electron orbiting an atom, Liz thinks, ‘Oh my gosh, is he going to ask me? Well I would say yes, but what about future? Well I could be engage and not get into marriage till I’m done with school. Oh my gosh. God, Are you serious? I love Josh, but Oh my gosh.’
Liz heart starts beating faster than every before to the point where it was ready to faint.
The box was pink, and slowly he opens it and pulls out…..
THE RING.
Just kidding folks.
…. a bracelet.
Liz’s heart stumbles, yet calms down at the same time.
Liz thinks, ‘O.’
Josh: “I made this bracelet in reminder of my love and commitment toward you. I chose each bead and most of them were a symbolism of something when I was thinking of you. The brown one reminded me of your eyes, the butterfly reminded me of your free beauty and spirit…..”
He continued to describe each one to her. Liz felt so happy and special at that moment and didn’t know what else to say. “Thank you Josh for making me feel so special. I still think your crazy and I don’t know what has gotten over you to make you feel this way.” Liz says this out of love and in a sarcastic, humourous way. Liz laughs. At this moment, she felt nothing but so much love for Josh. Still speechless, she just lays her head on his shoulder and stares at her bracelet.
Liz: “Thank you hun. I love it.”
Josh: “I’m so glad you do. It took my 2 hours to carefully pick out a bead.”
Liz: “You know- Usually, I wouldn’t pick this kind of style but because it’s made from the heart - I can’t help but want to show it off.”
While enjoying each other’s company, they just stare off into the beautiful creation from on top of the mountain, next to each other, with Josh holding Liz in his arms.
Hope you enjoyed the story I created. Thank you for reading. I would like to share pictures with you on the adventure Joshua and I had together. Please help yourself by clicking the link below. Thank you! May God Bless you.
http://s46.photobucket.com/albums/f119/EricaLiz18/3rd%20Month%20Anniversary/?action=view¤t=982dc8a8.pbw
TO JOSH:
Thank you for the surprise adventure hun. I can’t thank you enough for constantly and consistently making me feel special every day. I’m the most luckiest girl in the world. I pray that God continues to be the center of our relationship and to keep each other accountable in life through God’s love. You’re definitely the one I want to cherish the rest of the life with. I thank God everyday for the wonderful blessing you are to me. You keep me strong in my life, school, and especially my faith. Thank you again for the love you show towards me, my family, and my friends. You are amazing Joshua. Thank you for being the light in my life.
It’s been a great roller-coaster this semester. I’ve grown and learned so much. God has taught me to have patience, control, and to love faithfully. It’s amazing how much God loves me, my friends, my family, and my significant other. I’m still trying to understand tho- how much is too much in life in general? Does that make sense? I’m living a life that is so amazing and beautiful that I can’t help but to stop, reminisce, look, and listen lately. Things are constantly being taken away and shattered right now really, but I see it as how God is reminding me of what else he has better planned out for me. Just being able to get a glimpse of looking past to what my eyes can see, is amazing. I can’t ever EVER forget about my trip to the Philippines. That definitely changed my life- just staying there for a whole month, understanding, waiting patiently, reminiscing, adjusting to a whole new culture, and just listening to God with my whole mind, body, heart, and soul was a whole new experience of reality.
Thank you Lord for the Joy and Happiness you’ve given me. =] You are SO good.
If a call fails between Person A and Person B, due to the phone of Person A. So, is Person A does not call back, does that mean that Person A did not really want to talk to Person B? hahaha.
“God’s will is your will.”
I reminisce on the days that are left behind me. Why? It helps me think about how much I’ve accomplished over the past, struggling years and to how many times God has lead me toward him. At the age of 16 years old, I was introduced by an unexpected friend who would unexpectedly introduced to me to God’s love. At a young age, I lived in a bubble, not knowing who I am, or what I am, or even to where I was to belong in the world. Life threatening experiences occured due to lack of love or attention from the people who did not know how to love a child. Not necessarily my parents. I was taught to be angry, be violent, be stubborn, and most of all, be prideful growing up.
I wanted love so badly. so desperately. I did not know where else to turn too but the “friends” who I thought loved me.
God has pushed me in all different directions. Whether it was to fall in love, have a broken heart, to be put in circumstances where it’d cross the line to my own intergrity, where my mind and heart where clashing against each other, where my hope was all lost, where …. I was lost. And noone and no where else to turn to.
But Him. When I’ve came to a realization that he has been calling my name for a long time, it struck me as I’ve slowly turned to His word. At the age of 20 years old, I sacrificed a lot to learn, love, and pray upon His word. It was hard but was easy every time I turned to him and walked with Him through it all.
Presently. It’s been a rough rollercoaster. Understanding the things that cause you to be upset, unhappy, angry, selfish, and anything under negativity - affects how you are suppose to live. It’s SO hard. When desperately and secretly running and fighting against all the negativity, there comes a point when you can no longer see… the…. l i g h t.
I understand now.
Relying back on His word, has picked me back on my feet- after several weeks of not being able to take a moment to p a u s e and s l o w d o w n for Him and myself. A time where it could just be Him and I alone. Not being able to seek him through the hardships has made it harder. I admit it.
I ♥LOVE and absolutely ADORE the Lord with ALL my heart. The Lord is the Greatest Source of Power. If my choices were to made under His will, not mine, then everything will fall into place.
F. E. A. T. [An acromyn that I’ve made up a year ago when I was absolutely lost and when I decided in my heart that my whole entire self and heart belongs to Him.]
F:ocus on what is important now.
E:verything will fall into plave.
A:llow God to work through you.
T:rust in Him.
“If the central point, or the most powerful influence, of my life is the atonement of the Lord, then every aspect of my life will bear fruit for Him.”
John 14:13- “Whatever you ask in My name, that I will do….”
I’ve been taught to learn that our visions are not necessarily what God plans or wills us to do. The areas and circumstances he brings us in life, molds and shapes us into the vision God wants and wills it to be.
He definitely tests me. But you know what? God never gives us more than we can not handle.
“Thank God that He does give us difficult things to do! His salvation is a joyous thing, but it is also something that requires bravery, courage, and holiness. It tests us for all we are worth….. It it always neccessary for us to make an effort to live a life of worth and excellence.”
…till this day, I learn something new about Him everyday… What a JOY it is to live like Him, learn more about Him, and pray to Him.
Side Note:
….The family loves you Uncle Alvin. May you Rest in Peace with the Lord.
Please keep Abby Olivarez and her family in your prayers.
UPDATE
Speechless.
I’m trying to understand everything that has been going on. Lots of things have been insanely falling apart s l o w l y. My walk with God has become very distant for awhile. I continuously keep focusing on the negative when I should be focusing on the positive. But I can’t. I CAN’T. Everyday my mind is constantly on the go- What to do, How to do, Where to go, When to go… so while figuring things out- I’m making people happy all the time [at work that is.] Which equals STRESS. Even tho, Joshua keeps on the go about being encouraged- it’s really really difficult to continue to move forward when you. just. feel. stuck.
Today at work, I was working but my mind was NOT at work. Even if I was working- I was still lost. My mind was still going on and on about what has been going on these past weeks. Trying to settle in- Trying to make payments- Figuring out what to do next in the career road- Trying to ….
AH. Do you understand what I mean?
At work, I constantly have to make people happy [customers]. They get angry at the stupidest things. At work, I deal with a racist manager. At home, I have to constantly make sure everything is taking care of. Payments- I have to make sure everything is taking care of.
I’m so mentally and emotionally exhausted. I need a break. Even if I haven’t started my classes yet, I am not in the right state of mind to continue to move forward.
So my point?
I’ve been stuck. S T U C K in the process of figuring things out. Why couldn’t I just allow God to work through things? Why can’t I allow him to take off the burden from my shoulders? Why can’t I take a moment to breathe and pause instead of trying to be busy all the time? Why???
As I’m rambling on- The only answer I can think of is the devil. I’m allowing the devil to take control over my life. I’m allowing him to be happy by allowing him to make me feel depressed, sad, stressed, not controlled, angry, and etc.
I know God wants me to be happy but.. Wait. No buts. He DOES want me to be happy. He sacrificed his only begotten son to die on the cross for my sins. I have to remember that. I really just need some encouragement. Prayer.
Josh told me this today. “Why are you allowing yourself to be sad? I don’t like seeing you like this. I’m used to seeing you so happy. Let God take care of everything.”
That hit me.
God.
Yes. I love Him so. But [deep breathe]. ughh NO BUTS. It’s so hard. I must keep praying. I must.
I haven’t been able to keep up with any of my slowing time with God for awhile. Everything has been hectic and out of control. I can’t control what’s been going on for a whole month. Am I wanting to go insane? I don’t understand.
Every night, before I sleep, I think about what I have to do the next day. I can’t do that. I need to breathe. and slow down.
Reader. Please keep me in your prayers. Thanks.
Awww I loved it G.A.! HaHaha. This is cute. =] And you WILL find the guy God believes you belong with. =) I love you! Never lose hope.
=) So happy.
Life CANNOT get any better than this. Count your blessings. NOT your troubles. Despite the troubles, the blessings are priceless.
Update:
RECENTLY,
God has left me in several trials that caused me to suffocate, fall on my knees and cry out similarly to how Christ cried out to God when He was nailed to the cross, “Father, why have you forsaken me?” It was that bad. I felt alone for awhile. Until, God was working through people to minister to me unexpectedly and so naturally I wouldn’t notice till the end of the day. Even the radio ministered to me using the same ideas and words that had been coming out from loved ones and people I met for the first time. It was crazyy.
I remember crying out to God one late night before I had encountered the unexpected ministering by people. “God, why!? why?!” and just talking to him and giving him my all in what I had been feeling and telling him I had desperately needed him in the time of trouble.
I knew what I had to do and that was to surrender everything I was/had been feeling through my trials. Hurt. Pain. Anger. Problems. Issues.
=)) The time had arrived when everything had fell into place. God had answered my prayers.
From the moment I took the first step into calling out his name to the end of my trials, I had been made anew in Christ.
I mean, WOW. How powerful is God’s love huh? I mean, I was too the point where I just wanted to fall, give up, and run away. He brought me through a trial where it allowed me to REALLY test my faith. I swear, I was brought to a trial where it made me really uncomfortable, really challenged, was pushed over my comfort zone. It was overwhelming and unbearable for me to handle.
NOW. God has put me in a place where It has allowed me to be free, comfortable, happy, joyful, and content.
NOW. God has brought me to a place where it’s overwhelming because He’s constantly blessing me.
NOW. God has give me the strength to continue to be strong in what ever will come next in the trial.
It’s been said too that We are the sheep and He is our Shepard. If one sheep if lost, he’ll leave to find that one sheep.
Honestly, I was lost for awhile. Struggling. yet, He had comforted me and has taken me by the hand and carried me.
Also, check out this comparison. If a child were to feel pain or hurt, will it not call out his/her parent for help? If a child were to feel pain or hurt, will not the parent run to his/her child? The only reason I believe on why God would test your faith is by allowing you to go through trials EVEN if He knows you are going through a trial, IS to really test if you TRUST Him enough to call out to Him for Help but only with an open heart and mind to what He has to offer.
Man. What an amazing God. That’s all I have to say. =)
